I was pretty exhausted on Monday night and went to bed at the same time as my kids. Yes, readers, I really am the epitome of rock 'n' roll. As a result of my early night combining with a hectic morning on Tuesday, by the time I reached my Grampa's house in the middle of Tuesday, I hadn't seen any news or social media.
I was hanging Christmas decorations for him, so he was reading the newspaper and doing what he usually does in these situations: passing comment on every article he read, without actually telling me what he was talking about. When he commented on the death toll in the paper being wrong as it had gone up by the mid-morning news bulletin, I asked what he meant and he told me about the dreadful crash in a German Christmas market in Berlin.
I know very little about it, and I'm sure there are a great many people writing commentary on the crash without me chiming in, but it added to the great swirling noise in my head that's existed for the past few days: What kind of world are we living in?
As I tried to formulate an answer to this question, I've really been struck by the number of ways one can be cruel. There's a very obvious way, as in driving a lorry full of steel girders into crowds of people.
There's also a naïve, unknowing kind, in the tactless comments people can make following these events, which occurred to me in comparing the victims' families to those of the Glasgow bin lorry crash a couple of years ago. To say that losing someone is harder at Christmas is the equivalent of saying, "I'm sorry that your relative is dead, but at least they died in June so it's easier." It's not intentionally cruel, but it's still utter rot and doesn't make the person feel better in their suffering.
There's selfish cruelty, where someone acts in a way that could hurt another person, purely to suit their own goals. This came to me twice in two days. The first time was when I was driving and almost hit a dog: I got a dreadful fright, the poor dog owner was beside herself, my own dog was in the back of the car and got hurt during my emergency stop... It was pretty traumatic for all concerned! Except for the wee dog who walked off dazed but uninjured. While the owner was trying to get her wee dog back on his lead and collar - and before I'd established if the dog was uninjured and my car undamaged - the man in the car behind undertook me in the parking lane beside me - almost hitting the wee thing and causing it to chase after him. As he drove past me, I recognised him as a fellow dog walker from the beach I'd just been on. I was utterly baffled at how someone with dogs of their own could be so heartless as to endanger another dog while its owner had lost control of it. I try very hard to act as Devil's advocate before judging someone, but so far every answer I've come up with doesn't excuse the behaviour. Unless any clever reader can come up with a legitimate reason to act this way, I'm left feeling that he was selfish and unnecessarily cruel.
The other form of selfish cruelty I noticed wasn't a personal experience, but came to me while catching up on my only daytime TV indulgence (more of which later). Jennifer Aniston was talking in an interview about her op-ed article on the Huffington Post in July (clicky link here) in which she detailed her feelings on her treatment in the media for the past 20 years. As I watched her discuss her arrival at an airport following a holiday in the wake of her mother's death, I heard a fellow human being describe a mob of strangers descend upon her to photograph her stomach in case she was pregnant, and I actually felt quite sick.
This is not acceptable behaviour. Truthfully, none of what I've described up to this point is what I'd consider acceptable. I'm not comparing driving past a dog to killing dozens of people. But the broader point is that those of us who are decent, normal people, who aren't psychopaths or sociopaths - and I believe that is the majority of the world's population - must be active in making the world the kind of place we want it to be.
Earlier in this blog, I asked what kind of world we live in. The truth is that it's the world the human race has created. I'm going to be bold and say that simply thinking, "well I didn't mean to be tactless," just isn't good enough. We must be active in our goodness.
I am fairly certain that I said in a previous entry that I am far from perfect. I really do believe that I am a deeply flawed person. Taking my advice is done entirely at your own risk! Nonetheless, I'd like to share a few of the ways that I'm trying to create a better world for my children...
For starters, appropriately here in this blog, I try to be conscious of my words. I take time to reflect on things I've said (they often keep me up at night!) and I try to delete unkind or unhelpful phrases from my vocabulary. I make a concerted effort not to issue platitudes and to be unique in my wording - not to be smart or clever, but to be kind. For example, grieving families and new parents hear more platitudes than most, yet it's these people who need more consideration than most, at the most significant moments in human life and death. Putting thought into one's interactions with these two disparate groups of people provides genuine comfort and help. Small talk has its place, but hopefully my readers will agree that these are times for what I have decided to call big talk.
Another way to create a better world is to share what one has with others. I don't have much money, but I share a tiny amount of it with one or two charities that have affected my family or that have touched me. The main charity I support is Spina Bifida Hydrocephalus Scotland (clicky-link) which didn't exist when my Dad was born with Spina Bifida. From the charity's website: Spina Bifida is a fault in the spinal column in which one or more veterbrae (the bones which form the backbone) fail to form properly, leaving a gap or split, causing damage to the nervous system. Most children born with Spina Bifida are affected in some way for the rest of their lives and some end up in a wheelchair. A very small number won't survive infancy. It was 1964 before more than half of babies born with it in the UK survived the first year of their life. My Dad was born in 1959. He survived, he had a successful operation and he was walking at 14 months. Gran always said he walked on the anniversary of his operation, which I always doubted as 100% accurate, but given that she's no longer here to argue with, I'll say it's true. Hey, it makes a good story!
Regardless of my Gran's flair for the dramatic, the fact that my Dad suffered no ill effects after his first few months was little short of a miracle in 1959 and to be honest it would still be remarkable now. My Gran was grateful for that miracle for the rest of her life and I carry that same gratitude in my heart. I adore my parents and I am blessed to still have them here as healthy, fun grandparents to my boys. Many Spina Bifida families don't have that luxury and that's why SBH Scotland is my chosen charity. If any reader doesn't already have a "pet" charity, I'd say to have a little think about what you're grateful for and then find a charity that benefits people who lack that. It's a great way to show gratitude.
If you don't have money to give, even the smallest pound - and I've been there, recently - another resource to offer is skill. What talent do you have that would help someone in need? I had a friend who'd lost everything: home, car, family. She was starting from nothing. I lived too far away to go round and help out over a cup of tea and I had absolutely no money to send, so I put all my effort into rallying others around her to provide resources, furniture, money, time. Everyone pulled together and got her through a hideous situation, but I contributed no actual money or possessions.
Contributing goodness to the world is actually very easy once you're trying to do it. Random acts of kindness are simple and we've actually been doing an advent calendar of kindness this year (link to similar, American version, here). A gift for a friend need only be incredibly small, but if given at random and with love, can be very lovingly received. Smiling at people, genuinely, is contagious. Encouraging children to be kind and empathetic is important to me. Our children have a far deeper capacity for love than adults do; foster that.
Helping my Grampa while simultaneously resisting the urge to bop him over the head with his newspaper is rewarding, believe it or not! I adore my Grampa and - despite his silly habits - I love spending time in his home. It's a place with lots of warm and happy memories. And he really loves the company. I just have to steel myself against his yippering about the football results (who was playing?) and the celebrity gossip in the Daily Mail (why are you still reading that rag?) and what the neighbours are up to (who cares!) - these are the things that occupy his day and he wants to share them with me; I need to let him, while I still can.
Returning to something I mentioned earlier, I take inspiration from the only daytime television program I watch: the Ellen DeGeneres Show on ITV2. It's a program which never focusses on negative aspects of life, which rarely criticises or makes fun of people, which shares stories of people and communities doing good in the world and which tries to spread joy and laughter regardless of outside influence. It may be daytime fluff television, but I always come away feeling happier and inspired to do good. Let's all try to make 2017 a good year for the world. Despite everything I said at the start, I really do believe it's a wonderful world.
...
I had intended to write something more festive this week, but events dictated my thoughts and my thoughts dictate my writing. I may blog again before Christmas, but just in case I don't, I'd like to take this opportunity to wish my readers a very Merry Christmas.
All the best.
FG x
Loves ya feegee
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