Stage One: Infancy
When babies are old enough to be properly aware of the world around them, they want to take part in that world. Interactive toys help in this quest but the first time they really get a chance to become independent is during weaning.
For the uninitiated, this is the process by which babies move from exclusively being fed milk to eating three square meals with a bottle of milk at bedtime and it can take place any time between the ages of four and eighteen months, usually.
Giving your baby control of weaning lets them discover foods for themselves and means you're not forcing them to eat things they don't like. However, if you're anything like me and you hate mess - for the sole reason that you hate cleaning - sitting back and watching them play with food is a horrifying experience.
When purchasing our high chair we were recommended a plastic floor cloth to protect our surfaces - stone tiles in the kitchen, cream carpets everywhere else! It was a rented house! The floor cloth was a mat about 4ft by 4ft and was meant to be put down under the high chair to catch spills. Unfortunately, my first born ("M1") didn't understand that he only had a four foot square in which to share his joy. One of the first foods he took to was Weetabix and, while he enjoyed using a spoon to get it to his mouth with his right hand, his left hand would explore the texture of the wheat biscuits and would decorate his high chair, face, hair, clothes and beyond with what he found. His preferred method of decoration was to flick his hand vigorously to shake off the mushed biscuits. These flicks could go anywhere from the far left of his high chair with a single flop out the side or to the front, forwards; at me if I wasn't looking, at the wall if I managed to duck. Placing the floor mat in front of the high chair caught the worst of these forward flicks. Placing it to the left caught the floppy-arm mess. I couldn't do both. Oh! And I almost forgot: his right hand with the spoon in it? That's the one he used to tell me if he was finished... by throwing the spoon on to the floor. He had a fair throw for a wee baby!
Top tip for weaning: if you can't afford to lay linoleum throughout your house, buy tarpaulins.
The terrifying face of a yoghurt-eating monster
Stage Two: The Terrible Twos (& threes & fours!)
So you've raised your independent offspring this far. They're now a little person: walking, talking, expressing opinions. You've taught them how to do things for themselves. They want to do things by themselves. But they still have the "L" plates on. For me, this was the worst part.
Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of the exasperated parent than the words "I do it by self!" [sic] ... Simple tasks that you used to do for your baby in ten seconds begin to draw out over minutes. Who knew that putting on a jacket could be such an ordeal?
Of course, there's also the horrible realisation that the child has worked out how to rebel. If the child doesn't want to leave the house, the child can take steps to prevent the excursion. These can range from refusing to get dressed, to actively removing layers of clothing and even the old-fashioned clinging to the doorframe. Extracting a rebellious child in these circumstances requires skill, patience and time. Ideal for a mum on the run.
I found that very hard to cope with for a long time. I couldn't stand the fact that where once I arrived everywhere with my hair done, make up on and with time to spare I now barrelled in at the cow's tail, lucky if we were all clean and fully dressed. It almost felt like resignation: understanding and accepting that it just takes longer to get the little annoying people out of the house. I had to move the mental goalposts many, many times during this stage.
Taking an independent child to the park or soft-play area is an excellent opportunity to let them explore their boundaries. Running away from their caregiver, climbing frames and swinging from ropes are all fun, exciting things to do by themselves. Except...
"Muuuuuuum! I can't reach!"
"Daaaaa-aaad! Push me on the swings!"
"Muuuuuu-uuuuuuummmm! He won't play on the seesaw with me. You do it!"
Wanting to be independent and being able to be independent are two very different things and they don't always progress at the same rate. It took years of persevering at soft-play before I was able to drink a hot cup of coffee without interruption.
Top tips for the toddler years: allow extra time for all activities; and don't use the park or soft-play to get peace - ain't gonna happen!
M&M, near the end of an attempt to leave the house
Stage Three: School (and letting go)
So you spent the first four to five years of their lives doing everything for your children and taking hours showing them how to complete the minute tasks that make up daily life. Now what?
The nursery transition for the kids going up to "the big school" was absolutely excellent - I can't fault it. However, no one prepares the parents. By the time the children reach day one of primary school they've visited at least half a dozen times beforehand. They walk in on the first day of school as if it's no big deal and they wonder why the parents all have red faces. "You can go now, Mummy, I don't need you any more." One of the M&Ms actually uttered those words as I stood over him in his new classroom.
No more the daily report from nursery with every activity your child enjoyed and exact notes on snack and drink. With M1 at school I was lucky if I could find out whether he'd actually done anything all day! Two parents evenings per year are the only opportunity for most people to hear how their kids are doing. If you have the time and inclination to join the parent council or equivalent you learn more about what's going on in the school generally, but it's not a place to ask questions about your individual child.
You just have to hope you end up with a wee boy like M2, who comes out of the playground every day full of gossip and news, rather than M1 who finds it a great personal insult that you're asking him questions and "why do you need to know anyway?"
The other thing that comes with this stage is after-school clubs. Whatever the discipline, most of these clubs are drop-off and pick-up: you take your child, sign them in and leave them to it. However capable or otherwise your child is by now will just have to be enough.
Losing control over your child's every waking moment is bizarre. When they were born, I used an app to log the M&Ms sleep, nappy and feeding habits until they started weaning. Now I can only imagine what they get up to for 6 hours at school and another hour at their after-school clubs each evening.
They also start to venture off to friends' houses after school. Again, you have no input. The parent of the play-mate might text you to ask what they like to eat, but that's it. You just have to trust them to behave.
For me, there are three massive positives that make up for the huge loss of control and knowledge of your children's lives:
1) the pay-off. I do hate to write in cliches but it's true to say that all of your hard work is finally paying off. You finally see your children being strong, confident and independent individuals. I spent this morning at a "Sports Taster Session" watching my M&Ms run from activity to activity. M1 donned a padded helmet to try karate, followed by judo, handball and table tennis. M2 bounced from friend to friend - some of whom he's known from infancy, others he met for the first time today. The activity wasn't important for M2, so long as he was with his pals.
2) you can be a hero with very little effort. My boys love going to the park and going to soft-play. They also love museums, castles, beaches and anywhere else you could name. If I want to pass an in-service day when my (teacher) husband is at work, I just pack a picnic and head to one of the above. I plop myself in a shady spot or a quiet corner and tell the boys the relevant rules and then I sit back, read a magazine and enjoy watching them. But more importantly, I no longer need to get up every two minutes to fetch, sort, carry or assist. And when we leave, they're delighted - they thank me repeatedly and tell me what a great day they've had. It's magic!
3) free time. The most valuable commodity to anyone who's been a stay-at-home caregiver. After almost five years at home alone, day after day after soul-destroying day. And that's if you've only had one. I had two, so I had six years at home with one or the other. Suddenly, your youngest child starts school and the house is empty. It takes a little getting used to but, 18 months in, I love it. The M&Ms are happy, they both enjoy school and have lots of outside activities, and our weekends and holidays are filled with love and fun. I worked from home for a while, but always around the kids' schedules. Since my health has been rubbish I've not been working at all but actually I've really enjoyed having time to myself without feeling guilty about what I should be doing.
Top tips for school age and letting go: Don't feel guilty. You've worked hard. You deserve this time to bask in your independent offspring's glow. There are plenty of challenges ahead in this parenting lark. And if you miss feeling needed, find a nephew, niece or random toddler to take care of for a few hours - their parent probably needs it and you'll feel doubly glad when you hand them back!
My kids are independent. This means that they are capable, they are confident and they are strong. They're also kind, empathetic, generous and funny as hell. Don't tell them but I quite like them.
Here's to raising independent kids. God damn, it's hard. But it's very rewarding.
Peace and love.
FG x
The nursery transition for the kids going up to "the big school" was absolutely excellent - I can't fault it. However, no one prepares the parents. By the time the children reach day one of primary school they've visited at least half a dozen times beforehand. They walk in on the first day of school as if it's no big deal and they wonder why the parents all have red faces. "You can go now, Mummy, I don't need you any more." One of the M&Ms actually uttered those words as I stood over him in his new classroom.
No more the daily report from nursery with every activity your child enjoyed and exact notes on snack and drink. With M1 at school I was lucky if I could find out whether he'd actually done anything all day! Two parents evenings per year are the only opportunity for most people to hear how their kids are doing. If you have the time and inclination to join the parent council or equivalent you learn more about what's going on in the school generally, but it's not a place to ask questions about your individual child.
You just have to hope you end up with a wee boy like M2, who comes out of the playground every day full of gossip and news, rather than M1 who finds it a great personal insult that you're asking him questions and "why do you need to know anyway?"
The other thing that comes with this stage is after-school clubs. Whatever the discipline, most of these clubs are drop-off and pick-up: you take your child, sign them in and leave them to it. However capable or otherwise your child is by now will just have to be enough.
Losing control over your child's every waking moment is bizarre. When they were born, I used an app to log the M&Ms sleep, nappy and feeding habits until they started weaning. Now I can only imagine what they get up to for 6 hours at school and another hour at their after-school clubs each evening.
They also start to venture off to friends' houses after school. Again, you have no input. The parent of the play-mate might text you to ask what they like to eat, but that's it. You just have to trust them to behave.
For me, there are three massive positives that make up for the huge loss of control and knowledge of your children's lives:
1) the pay-off. I do hate to write in cliches but it's true to say that all of your hard work is finally paying off. You finally see your children being strong, confident and independent individuals. I spent this morning at a "Sports Taster Session" watching my M&Ms run from activity to activity. M1 donned a padded helmet to try karate, followed by judo, handball and table tennis. M2 bounced from friend to friend - some of whom he's known from infancy, others he met for the first time today. The activity wasn't important for M2, so long as he was with his pals.
2) you can be a hero with very little effort. My boys love going to the park and going to soft-play. They also love museums, castles, beaches and anywhere else you could name. If I want to pass an in-service day when my (teacher) husband is at work, I just pack a picnic and head to one of the above. I plop myself in a shady spot or a quiet corner and tell the boys the relevant rules and then I sit back, read a magazine and enjoy watching them. But more importantly, I no longer need to get up every two minutes to fetch, sort, carry or assist. And when we leave, they're delighted - they thank me repeatedly and tell me what a great day they've had. It's magic!
3) free time. The most valuable commodity to anyone who's been a stay-at-home caregiver. After almost five years at home alone, day after day after soul-destroying day. And that's if you've only had one. I had two, so I had six years at home with one or the other. Suddenly, your youngest child starts school and the house is empty. It takes a little getting used to but, 18 months in, I love it. The M&Ms are happy, they both enjoy school and have lots of outside activities, and our weekends and holidays are filled with love and fun. I worked from home for a while, but always around the kids' schedules. Since my health has been rubbish I've not been working at all but actually I've really enjoyed having time to myself without feeling guilty about what I should be doing.
Top tips for school age and letting go: Don't feel guilty. You've worked hard. You deserve this time to bask in your independent offspring's glow. There are plenty of challenges ahead in this parenting lark. And if you miss feeling needed, find a nephew, niece or random toddler to take care of for a few hours - their parent probably needs it and you'll feel doubly glad when you hand them back!
M&M plus friend; photo taken with zoom. Magic.
My kids are independent. This means that they are capable, they are confident and they are strong. They're also kind, empathetic, generous and funny as hell. Don't tell them but I quite like them.
Here's to raising independent kids. God damn, it's hard. But it's very rewarding.
Peace and love.
FG x
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